Trumping Kings

New Year's Day, the day when people sit around and ponder what they have done over the past 365 days, since the last time they pondered this. People sit and think about good and bad times, failures and accomplishments, lost and new relationships, things they should have learned, things that they should have learned sooner, and lessons from which life educated them. People look back on the circumstances that made them grow as well as the ones where they seemed to recede in age.

Looking back, 2005 provokes mixed feelings: those of regret with those of joy, those of sadness with those of happiness, those of disappointment with those of hope. Less than half of my year was spent in the last paragraphs of a long and complex relationship. About half was spent in the states; learning lessons that I did not exactly want to learn but am better off for it. And the past five months have primarily been spent in Korea, a place that I would have never thought I would go.

The relationship, although defunct, had a significant impact on how I am today. I am stronger, more audacious, more secure, and more certain of myself that I was before. A good relationship takes work, compromise, and cooperation from both parties involved, not just one. I now know how women get in relationships that they initially think are good, discover that it is not, and how feel like they are stuck, dependant, and reliant on the man. I know what it is like to get the proverbial 2x4 to the face and realize what is going on, and while gasping to regain oxygen and focus feel like there is nothing you can do about it. I know what it is like to invest all your time, effort, and feelings into something that you know will never have the outcome you wish for in the end. I know what it is like to look into that person's eyes and just know that both of you know it is over but neither says anything to that effect. I know what it is like to watch him finally break, and see the stone in his eyes when he says it's over. I watched him look so absorbed in himself that even after two and a half years not one tear was shed by him. It felt like it did not matter. You were just another name on the list.

On the opposite side to that; I also know what it is like to be the prodigal son and have to face the parents whom you have abandoned. I know what it's like to realize that your parents and God are not the ones who have moved or whose hearts have been hardened, it was you and your own. I have experienced the celebration of what it is like to return home after the 'journey' of doing your own thing. I observed my family's suffering as I did my own thing, and I watched my their faces light up when they recognized that my days of running from what is right were over. I saw the joy from them the day I turned my life around and also when I told them I accepted a job as a missionary in Korea. I've seen the hope and joy from them when I left in August and when I returned for break and I know I will see it when I depart again.

I truly know what people mean when they speak of God's grace and loving-kindness. I know what it is like to feel Him tug at heart strings and still ignore the call. I know what it is like to have to turn back and admit that I was the one who was wrong. I know what it is like to know that God was always there and all I had to do was realize that. I know what it means to have a God, the God, who loves me. I know what it means to have a God that sacrificed for me because I am special to Him. I know what it means to have a savior.

I bid 2005 and all of it's many amiable, imperfect, and dreadful adventures adieu.